Have you been feeling exhausted, discouraged, or confused about love? Or like you’re on an endless road of seeking love, approval, and appreciation – but not receiving what your heart seems to long for and what you are ready to give? If any of this is true for you, I have a tool I’d like to share.
First, know that you are not alone. I hear this story often from clients and friends. And I’ve had the same experience myself. In fact, I was feeling a bit stuck in this area recently, and then reminded myself to practice a simple but very powerful process that I came across several years ago when I was going through divorce.
Repeat after me – I AM LOVE
Love is such a strong force. We all need love. But the truth is – we ARE love, and love sources from within us.
Nonetheless, we’re not alone here on the planet! We’re here with family, friends, lovers, colleagues, people we don’t understand, people we don’t like, etc. So how do we do the dance of love with those we like and those we don’t like, without getting confused, angry, bitter, hurt, and discouraged? How can we do the dance of love in this world in a way that feels wonderful and fulfilling?
By starting with the basic premise that YOU ARE LOVE. And that LOVE sources from within you.
Read Byron Katie’s book – “I Need Your Love – Is That True?”
This book is an easy read, yet packed with the best advice available about love, and how to give and receive love in a very healthy and satisfying way. Think of it as a user’s guide to love.
Here are two excerpts from Katie’s introduction:
“Everyone agrees that love is wonderful, except when it’s terrible. People spend their whole lives tantalized by love – seeking it, trying to hold on to it, or trying to get over it. Not far behind love, as major preoccupations, come approval and appreciation…”
“This book takes a close look at what works and what doesn’t in the quest for love and approval. It will help you find a way to be happier in love and more effective in all your relationships without being manipulative or deceptive in any way.”
Practice Byron Katie’s process – “The Work”
In her book, Byron Katie teaches how to do “The Work”, which is her simple process of inquiry that shows you how to identify, question, and reframe thoughts that are causing you to suffer.
The Work consists of 4 questions and a ‘turnaround’. I also refer to the turnaround as a way of reframing thoughts into empowering beliefs.
Question 1: Is it true?
Question 2: Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Question 3: How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
Question 4: Who would you be without the thought?
Turn the thought around. Find at least 3 specific, genuine examples of how each turnaround is true for you in this situation.
The thought causing suffering: “I need a man to feel complete.”
Is it true?
It feels true. Because when I’m with a man I feel complete, and when I’m alone, I feel lonely and sad, and like a misfit.
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
Well, it seems natural that we’re here to be in partnership, to experience blissful love, for reproductive reasons, and to support each other in life and share life’s experiences.
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
I feel lonely, and like I’m doing something wrong.
Who would you be without the thought?
I’d feel more free, and whole, and complete - as me. Empowered by and expressing my own talents, knowledge, and resourcefulness.
Turn the thought around:
1. A man needs me to feel complete.
2. I can choose to feel anything I want.
3. I need Me to feel complete. When I feel complete, then nothing is missing. I am whole. I really enjoy the company of a good man, but on my own – I am complete.
Try this on your own now. Pick a thought or belief in your own life that’s causing you to suffer, and do The Work step-by-step.
If you want more examples, Byron’s book is filled with relevant examples from her clients’ lives.
In addition to the book, you can visit her website: http://www.thework.com/index.php
Love is different from need, and this book along with “The Work” process may greatly support you in moving into feeling more wonderful and fulfilled with love – in every area of your life. Start repeating your daily mantra, “I am love.”
Your Life Coach,
Quotes from Byron’s book:
“It’s not your job to understand me – it’s mine.”
“The voice within is what I’m married to. All marriage is a metaphor for that marriage. My lover is the place inside me where an honest yes or no comes from. That’s my true partner. It’s always there. And to tell you yes when my integrity says no is to divorce that partner.”
“Thinking that people are supposed to do anything other than what they are is like saying that the tree over there should be the sky. I investigated that and found freedom.”
Copyright 2012 Maddisen K. Krown M.A.