Recently I was having lunch with a gorgeous single friend of mine. He’s a successful guy in his 40’s, tall, attractive, never-been-married, charming, a catch. He expressed his dismay with the quality of women whom he’s been “dating” which baffled me. Wait! Look at you. How are you not attracting what you’re looking for? I thought. He went on to regale me with stories of superficial women who were unable to keep up with his wit or intelligence. I found that hard to believe. While his stories were amusing, they lacked a pattern. Usually I’m able to immediately understand what someone’s “pattern” is. People are very open about their tendency to attract certain types; the emotionally unavailable type (aka players / narcissists), the unstable ones or the way-too-busy kind, etc...but he did not seem to have a pattern. His dates were all across the board. I soon found out why.
“Well what exactly are you looking for?” I asked. “I’m not sure” he replied. Uh…what?! He explained that he didn’t want to get too specific with what he was looking for (because he wasn’t sure) but at the same time he was exhausted with dating and could not wait to settle down. I was surprised that he did not give it more thought. “Besides chemistry and attraction, what else is important to you? What qualities are fundamental to your well being? What qualities would repel you?” I prodded. He was hemming and hawing and could not really give me a solid answer. No wonder he was exhausted. He was dating women who looked good at the time but who did not have sustainable qualities. The one question that I asked that seemed to bring it all together for him was this: What do you want your life to look like in the next 40 years? A complex, yet simple question that is very revealing. I’m not talking about goals; I want to know how you want to feel when you think about your future. Is your house full of kids or none or just one? Do you feel more music, chaos or serenity in your home? Do you want to feel alive with a lot of traveling? Or living abroad. Or maybe you envision a simple lifestyle with sunsets and books. Perhaps you feel yourself living a life with more adventure and risk taking. Whatever lifestyle you desire, choose someone who will appreciate the same quality of life. Being with someone who shares your love for the simple things in life – the everyday stuff that makes up and matters in your life – is gold. It’s not about sharing the same hobbies or even passions; rather it’s about being able to create extraordinary moments out of ordinary ones with a partner who appreciates the same nuance in life. So find someone whose heart sings to the same groove as yours and you will be making beautiful music together for a long time.