Two shot and in post, two in pre-production and another in script form waiting for me to get back to it, finish fiddling and send it out for coverage.
I am totally fine with all these balls in the air, happy even. But some do not exist well in this world of grey electricity and trepidation. Actually, I am one of those ‘some,’ with anything other than film that is.
If I lived every part of my life in the same casual karmic state as I do with film I would be in the looney bin for sure. Bills and rent and family and laundry and just about everything, in fact, require a good deal more focus on maintaining a strict schedule than does the act of creation.
It has taken me quite a while to get here, however. I was not always as zen as I am now…probably not even last year if I’m honest. Maybe it’s experience, or maybe it’s just age. Or I could be exhausted. But whatever it is it’s working for me. Since my happy evolution, I have completed my feature screenplay, the one I have been avoiding for years. I have started a film group with adorable people…mostly adorable. I have directed two shorts, almost edited. And I have committed to a couple of other projects that I have every confidence will come to fruition.
I think what I am trying to say is that stressing about something highly creative is counter-intuitive. It blocks you, it frustrates you, and it makes you unpleasant to be around.
So how do we balance the drive to make something with the calm to let it come? I don’t know. It’s different for all of us. But I can tell you that it’s the best thing I have ever accidentally stumbled across for myself. I am now a much happier bunny. I am working and producing and thoroughly enjoying all these screenings I am going to instead of feeling a little bitter that my stuff is not anywhere at all…just being honest!
I am inspired by what is out there. I just saw "Widows." Amazing. I went to a screening of "Monsters and Men" and now have a filmmakers crush on its director Reinaldo Marcus Green. "Skate Kitchen" was genius and "Black Klansmen" and oh the sublime "8th Grade" and "Mind The Gap"…so many brilliant films by so many diverse and important voices and they are all just making me excited to make my own feature next year. I have opened my soul up to the possibilities of my filmmaking future and I am found!!
All this apparent calm can seem annoying to those who have perhaps not yet made enough to know the dangers premature production. And to them I will say nothing because it’s impossible to understand unless you have already been there. Suffice it to say, I hope one day your own mistakes will offer you the clarity I find from mine.
All preaching aside, I am grateful to have arrived at this peace with as little bloodshed as possible. I am 50 years young and reignited in my love for every aspect of film. I am googling new cameras and actually reading filmmaking emails in my inbox. I am looking through my films folder on my laptop and not wincing. I am not automatically glued to CNN every night and, instead, I am flipping through all my apps looking for something I forgot to see or something I should see or even something to see again.
I tell you this because we can all guilt ourselves into thinking we are useless and lack drive or talent or originality. But I think that we each have our time. We each of us have our own very unique window of creativity to dive through and nothing will ever, ever work if you force it. Not that we need to be lazy either though. There is plenty of absorbing that we can do while we wait for the stars to align. It’s all excellent preparation for when they do.
Mine have finally formed the perfect constellation and I am taking my rocket to the moon. No apologies for the flogging of the metaphors. See you in the movies!! Who knows maybe one of mine will be finally showing.