Cristina and Andrea Morara are dating experts and own Stellar Hitch, a boutique matchmaking company catering to upscale professionals that incorporates dating coaching and image consulting in their matchmaking method.
Many people hope that their next date with someone new is going to take them ‘off the market’. They want to be blown away by chemistry. Unfortunately, it rarely happens that way.
When it comes to matters of the heart, people are extremely judgmental when they first meet someone. Call it “thin slicing”, a gut reaction or unconscious behavior, but we make assumptions about others within seconds of meeting them.
A first impression in dating used to be based on how you felt as soon as you saw someone and started chatting them up.
As a matchmaker, I can easily say that over-analytical behavior is hands down the number one crime in dating. There’s no place for cerebral decision-making in matters of the heart.
The biggest challenge in dating today is that people expect to find their version of perfection…or at least someone who totally fulfills their ‘list of requirements’. We’re a culture who likes to check, check, check things off our list. The problem is, that’s all backwards. Of course you need to make sure that you’re meeting people within your range of fundamental priorities. But at the end of the day, it boils down to the feeling, not the list. When you feel that indescribably delicious chemistry with someone, I guarantee you’re not going to care about those extra pounds / the color of her hair / his height / her degree / his job, etc.. You’re NOT. You’re going to be so happy that you finally connected with your person that you will just deal with the pieces that aren’t a perfect fit.
Recently I’ve received feedback from three female clients who all shared the same complaint about their first dates: he talked non-stop. All three ladies were annoyed and reluctant to give the respective gentleman a second date. One woman said “I was so bored and unnerved, I just wanted to leave”. The other was a little more amused: “He asked me ONE question the entire night!!!” The third was very disappointed because she liked him initially and interpreted his two hour monologue as a sign of his disinterest.
Recently I sat down with a potential client. Let’s call him Joe. He walked towards me with confidence and warmth. I was immediately smitten. I tend to “fall in love” with my clients. Joe was in his early 50’s, “good-looking enough”, wildly successful in the medical field and charismatic. He spent the majority of time talking about his journey into self-discovery, studying eastern religions and how important it was to give back. He wanted to meet someone who was like-minded and self-aware with a degree of warmth and authenticity.
In our business, we meet all kinds of upscale professional singles who are looking for love. When a new clients says “I love my life. I’ve designed the life I want. I’m surrounded by great people and do interesting things. I don’t need a man / woman to make me happy; I’m just looking for someone to enhance my life” we get really excited to work with them because they’re dream clients. They have lives that they enjoy and are serene and busy doing interesting, cool things. This makes them super attractive. Sure they’d like to meet the right person but they’re still having fun along the way. They got it right.
The part of our job that I dislike the most is when I have to deliver the news to a client that their match didn’t feel any chemistry on the date. It’s always a little tough when the feeling is not mutual. Such are the rules of dating. You have to be “in it to win it” and part of the game is putting yourself out there and seeing what comes back.
These days we are navigating so many worlds in dating. There’s the virtual world, the tech world, the Facebook world and the real world. With so much emphasis on technology, people get so caught up in making a grand appearance. Too bad it doesn’t always match who they are in the real world.