(Make Sure You’re Not Doing It!)
We recently met with a gentleman who had worked with four matchmakers and met over 100 women in one year. Not random women; quality, vetted women who fit his criteria. But according to him, ‘nobody really excited’ him. He was highly accomplished and felt like he did not have to do much to attract a woman. He thought his resume’ and bank account could do all the talking and he would just wait to be blown away. Out of 100 women, only 11 were willing to go on a second date with him. Sadly, he’s wasted a lot of time and resources because he wasn’t willing to be honest with himself.
The misalignment between expectation and reality is the #1 problem in dating today.
Here’s how to know if you need a reality check:
- You keep going after the same type with the same disappointing results: ‘I can’t help it; I always go for (insert type)’. Actually, you can help it. History will keep repeating itself until you learn the lesson. So stop hoping that this time will be different. Instead, try going out with someone who’s not your type but still intrigues you a little. It will be refreshing and you may be happily surprised...
- Your relationships never last longer than 3 months. Either you’re not choosing wisely, it’s always too much, too soon or someone is getting bored. It’s very telling if you’ve reached a certain age and have not had a significant relationship that’s lasted a year or longer. Usually, by the three-month mark, most true colors come out. There are people who are in love with love or the honeymoon stage of a relationship but the only way to understand if a relationship has what it takes is through time, honesty, vulnerability and a willingness to compromise.
- You often say things like ‘There are no good men in LA’ or ‘All LA women are superficial’ or ‘All the good ones are taken’. None of which is true. It may make you feel better to say or think those things but you’re simply perpetuating those beliefs and you will, in fact, find evidence of exactly what you’re stating. What you dwell on determines your destiny. Instead, look for the good in people and you will find it.
- It’s always their fault, never yours. If you keep finding yourself in the same predicament over and over, you need to start looking at yourself. YOU are the common denominator which means YOU need to change something. If you’re ready for a game-changer, read about adult attachment styles and how they can affect your relationship. (Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine is a great place to start). Your dating life will never be the same.
- You rarely get second dates. This is a huge sign that you may not be aware of how you’re coming across. Enlist your friends’ help or an expert to determine how you can improve your first impression (conversational skills, appearance, communication style, etc.). Just a tiny shift in your approach can make all the difference.