Wednesday, 15 August 2012 00:45

Dating >> Where Have All the Good Guys Gone?

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If had a quarter for every time I heard:

“There are no more good men.”

“Chivalry is dead.”

“Why can’t I just meet a good man?”

“Why do all the men I meet just want to have sex?”

I would be a very rich man.

So where are all the good men?

E V E R Y W H E R E.

I promise you. Actually, I guarantee you. They are surrounding you every day, however, it is going to take a little work on your part. If a good relationship is a 50/50 partnership, then why not start from the courting process?

Even in the midst of our brave new dating world of the 21st Century, where the traditional guidelines of who leads whom are becoming more and more malleable, many women still prefer a man who has the confidence and strength to walk across the room, initiate a conversation, and ask her out. Often, though, the men who have perfected these qualities, earned them through practice, practice, and more practice. Generally, and I do mean generally speaking, this history of practice can be indicative of a pursuit for more short investment in the relationship world. Meanwhile, the Good Guy who is interested in more long term investment, will respect your space (to a fault), will not cross the room, and lose out to Senor Cajones.

If you are a 21st Century gal who prefers a man who has the confidence to cross the room and ask you out AND who is truly ready for a relationship, what to do? Part of the issue here is that Good Guys definitely need to step it up, regardless of your signals. They need to learn from their Bad Boy Brethren and combine the lesson with their Good Guy pursuits. They would be unstoppable. However, before that act of man-volution occurs, what can you do to facilitate your quest for your Mr. Right?


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Just like many of your sisters from across the entire animal kingdom, you are going to call in the man; even we homosapiens have our version of a mating call. If you are looking for a good man, be prepared to invite him. Think of the Good Guy like a vampire. (I know, this is definitely not the most effective metaphor for my point, but they are en vogue and women seem to love them). Similar to how a vampire needs to be invited to enter your home, the Good Guy will not enter your personal space until he is invited. If he is receiving powerful body language that you are closed for business, out of respect for you, he is not going to make a move. However, if you give the slightest hint of interest, he will pull the sword from the stone and ride over on a white horse, bringing the confidence and strength you adore.

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So what are these hints of invitations?

Well, since 85% of our communication is done via body language, let’s start there.

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1) SMILE: I know you have heard it a million times, but you would be surprised the amount of gals who don’t smile on a regular basis. Your smile doesn’t have to be for the man, but for yourself. You have all this wonderful energy that Good Guys adore, so share it often! It will send signals of joy and goodness to your brain which is always good, and will indirectly fire up the Good Guy since the smile communicates warmth, joy, approachability, and confidence. If LIKE attracts LIKE, then the traits of a smile are a good place to start.

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2) EYE CONTACT: Yep, the windows to the soul are your best wingman. You can selectively choose who gets your gaze, or share it abundantly with the world around you. Good Guys feel your inviting energy and say, “I got to meet this gal!” No eye contact and smiling can help fend off men you have no interest in, however, know that they may also attract them in like rabbits. Real hunters like a challenge and may make a move on you just because you are closed off.

3) ARMS, LEGS, and a MESS OF HAIR. I put these last, since they are not necessary and can communicate a wide variety of signals. Furthermore, they have the potential of inviting every kind of man over to you, not just the good guy. Use the following responsibly.

ARMS: It is quite tempting to fold them up, however, most behaviorists would agree that arms crossed generally communicate “closed off.” Add closed arms to no smile and no eye contact and you get a trifecta of No Trespassing to your potential Good Guy. Stay open as much as you can. Plus, behaviorists say it subconsciously tells your brain to stay open to opportunity in the world.

LEGS: Where are they pointed when crossed? Next time when you are out, try crossing your legs and directing them towards the man you are interested. This is a more subliminal message that only some men might receive, but why not experiment? There is a world of flirtation we could talk about with the legs, but we are focusing on you choosing the Good Guy you want, not calling in the whole tribe!

HAIR: Toying, curling, running your hands through it, etc. This is more of an attention getter and taps into primal instincts. Like the legs, it will universally attract all kinds of men, so be careful. However, it can lead to initiation and be that extra bump that gets your Good Guy to cross the room.

We are just scratching the surface here with the non-verbal inviters. There are plenty more you can add to your DAILY repertoire, including verbal inviters and simple ways to qualify your Good Guy once you invite him in. If you are interested, I am digging much deeper into the topic with an exciting and entertaining seminar I am leading called  GET THE GOOD GUY: 3 KEYS TO ATTRACTINIG A GOOD MAN INTO YOUR LIFE. It will be on AUGUST 22nd, at Santa Monica Library Auditorium from 7:30PM to 9:00PM. Admission is FREE if you sign up on-line or $20 at the door. There is limited seating so RSVP now to save you a spot:

In the meantime, know that science is on your side, and don’t be afraid to call in the Good Guy. In fact, experiment with smiling and eye contact this week, and see what comes up. Do it just for you and your own enjoyment and let the Good Guy be the bi-product.

Seize the date,


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Read 3617 times Last modified on Wednesday, 15 August 2012 00:57
Christian Anderson

Christian Anderson is the creator of Let's Talk Dating, a coaching program that helps men and women navigate through the 21st Century dating world. His Four Pillar system of Self Care, Attracting, Dating, and Committing helps identify the roadblocks we put up in our dating life and how to make shifts in perception, behavior, and action to foster a healthy relationship. He regularly speaks at seminars and retreats, hosts various workshops, and coaches one-on-one. He has made numerous appearances on various radio, web and TV shows and currently resides in Los Angeles. Contact Christian at, visit his site at, and follow him on twitter at!/letstalkdating.

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