Checking in with her throughout the night, it was interesting to hear her feedback on the approaches men were using. Some approaches were striking up conversation about the present surroundings, some were by complimenting her on her beauty, and some seemed to be a little more polished, most notably from various PUA (Pick Up Artist) theories that we men have picked up from over the years either naturally or from various media sources (see the best selling “The Game” for an entertaining insight).
Sometimes, though, I feel as if my fellow brothers might be hitting the GAME in “The Game” a little too hard, and in the end, are pushing the ladies away, instead of pulling them closer. There are many valuable theories and ideas bouncing around in the PUA world that can help a fellow out when he is looking for some extra help when trying to procure a nice lady. However, there are some tactics that are predicated on a woman’s need for validation from the male race. And, if you are attempting to go beyond just some casual fun and get a girl that is girlfriend material like Trish, who is more validated than a parking garage ticket, then, the aspects of the game might fail you.
Let’s take a look with one of the common PUA tactics: The Neg. For lack of a better definition, it is a slight jab wrapped in a nice compliment. It is meant to slightly deflate the attractive woman who is used to attention and accolades and ignite her interest in you, since you are not giving her the standard rain of compliments from every Tom, Dick, or Harry. Interest will be struck, and she will then want to win your attention or approval. If done tactfully, you can essentially flip the script of the standard man-chases-the-woman-construct.
Guy: “Those are really nice nails, are they real?”
Girl: “Um, no.”
Guy: “Oh, ok, I guess they are still cool.”
Guy: “We would never work out.”
Guy: “Well, you just seem a little too nice for me.”
In either of these examples, there is a little sting involved that is not on the surface, but just enough to provoke her attention and get her slightly invested into you. Of course, this is dependent on your delivery and reading of her energy.
Now if you are a guy who needs a little umph when approaching a woman that you deemed out of your league, tactics like these can help give you confidence and a tool bag to engage with the lady you have deemed your “10.”
However, some of these tools when misused, can get a little out of hand. That evening, Trish literally had one guy negging so hard that he his jabs were growing to punches, to the point where you questioned his whole social interactive abilities.
Him: “So are you an actress?”
Her: “I am. I am shooting a horror movie this summer.”
Him: “Wow. Cool! Yea, I can you see you probably playing more the ditzy blonde in it.”
Her: “Ummm, thanks?”
At no point during his jab did she think, “Wow, guys don’t usually don’t respond with that when I tell them about the movie. They usually adore me and tell me how I probably play the sexy lead with brains and beauty. He is different. I want to know more about this mystery man.”
Instead she thought, “Wow, what a douchebag. I am just going to sit here for another 5 minutes and see how bad this guy continues to get.”
And he continued to get worse and worse and worse, since he thought it was working. Trish is quite stunning, so the thought process might have been to continue to hack at her, to bring her down to earth, and then she will need his male validation. Turrible, turrible, turrible.
Listen, I get it. You want to stick out from the pack. You are pulling to be an Alpha male, and an Alpha male rises above the rest of the clan, and history and science gives great evidence that the Alpha male of the tribe has the greatest attraction factor to the women seeking partnership. This is all good stuff. There are many derivations of the Alpha Male, especially in the 21st Century, but hacking at a woman’s esteem is probably not the smoothest interpretation.
However, let’s explore this particular tactic and see how it can go all wrong. If you are a guy and have studied PUA theory, I am sure you have used many of the principles, including the neg, and many times they have worked. I will raise my hand and say that they definitely do work. However, when it does work (hook line and sinker), more often than not, it is not usually the gal you want to bring home to mom. If she is genuinely seeking validation from you because you tossed out some interesting jabs wrapped in a compliment blanket, are you sure she is GF material?
However, PUA theory that is more based in anthropology and science; that focuses on: demonstrating value, tapping into your inner strengths to lead men and women, and being not just your self-but your best self: is priceless knowledge for any man out there, single or not.
Where am I going with this hunter/gatherer diatribe? When you are out, try focusing less on the pedestal you placed her on and how you might take her down from it (which might pull you away from who you really are and your values) and, instead, focus on what YOU are selling. Know your strengths. Are you the funny guy? Then be the funny guy and perfect the funny guy. If you are the cool guy, then be the cool guy and walk in confidence. If you are the geek, then wear the crown of geekhood and charmingly geek out (I’m serious, you and I know many women find geeks so sexy… especially when they walk in confidence and incorporate a sense of style and self care).
This fellow approaching Trish may not have been traditionally the best looking guy in the party, but I am sure he could have outsmarted any guy there. If he would have embraced this strength and displayed it in a confident and charming way, then he would demonstrated real value. If he would have put less time on tactics that focused on her value, and more on his own gifts that he was confident and comfortable in, then he would have exuded a genuine and powerful value that probably would have created quite a stimulating conversation. And THAT’s when he sticks out. THAT’s when Trish wants more of what he is putting down. That is when he rises above the rest and becomes a 21st Century version of a provider and protector that women respond to. All the other bozos at the party are trying canned lines or approaches, but this guy is confident, calm, stimulating, and most importantly, stimulating her.
So, if you are looking for a little extra push out there when you are at any social gathering, know your strengths, and play to them. If you are a sharp shooting 3 point guy, then don’t drive to the hole. If you are a long ball hitter then don’t try for a bloop single. You do YOU but do YOU to the greatest level. “Being yourself” is cliché and bland and more often than not, does not get the girl’s attention. However, being your greatest self is what wins not only the girl, but the whole room. Women will find that much sexier. Be memorable, but don’t be a douche bag or something you are not. Remember, ladies are hearing the same ole same ole, over and over again all night long. What is going to make you rise to the top? Indentifying, embodying, and maximizing your own gifts and strengths is a good start.
Seize the Date,