Monday, 16 April 2012 04:02

Let's Talk Dating >> The Facebook Effect on Dating

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Date 1: You both head out and grab coffee at the local daily grind and get a great introduction to one another’s vibe. You only have an hour, since you both have full lives, but you are committed to your dating and making time, even if it is only an hour on a Saturday before you run off to your girl friend’s birthday party. Fist impression: awesome vibe, nice little connection, and definite intrigue for another date.

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Date 2: The following Saturday you meet up for a hike. This time the date is for a few more hours. You are not the biggest hiker, but he suggested it, and you “chose in” to be adventurous and to step out of your dating safety zone. The landscape provokes great conversation about nature and how you both love being outdoors, camping, and you learn, you both volunteer for various green campaigns. Fantastic! You give a nice hug and laugh how there is no being pretty on this date since you are all sweaty, and you both carry on with your days.

Date 3: Next Friday night. Dinner at a fun Mexican restaurant Downtown. A margartita followed by steak tacos. You both get up and salsa. He is a total gentleman on the dance floor, not bumping and grinding like a Ricki Martin video gone wrong, but more of the suave but romantic feel of Luis Miguel and leading you all the way. He takes you home, juices are flowing from the West Side Story dance remake you did at the restaurant. You both are feeling pretty weak and a night of compassion might commence, but he exhales, give you a nice good night kiss, and calls you the next day to tell you how great of a time he had.

You are thinking about him during the week, more intrigued with the guy, but you don’t want to call him randomly to say hi, since you are keeping a good pace. You are on Facebook one night chatting with a girlfriend, she asks about the guy, and you decide to see if you can find him on the site to show her a pic. His unique name (let’s call him Antonio Venespaldi III) pops right up, and since he barely uses it, he security options are not enabled, so his pics and wall posts are totally avail to anyone.

So now you and your girlfriend are simultaneously cruising through Antonio’s pictures and I.M.’ing away about the juicy info. You find out that he is a lobbyist for a major oil company, “Likes” Lou Dobbs, is a Scorpio, and has 1560 friends-many of which seem to be women. What happened to your eco-loving man who went on hikes and seemed to, at least, be a centrist politically? I mean, how could a man “Like” Lou Dobbs and then also be a champion of the environment? The worst part is that you are an Aries! And we all know that Aries have no compatibility with Scorpio’s in the dating world. Your heart drops. But it gets worse, your get another I.M. from your friend: “Did you see him tagged in ‘Lake Tahoe Trip 2010’ album?”

You reluctantly open the pictures, and in almost every single picture he has his arm around some blazingly gorgeous girl, cocktail in hand, and looking like quite the playboy. It’s over. This is not the great guy you thought he was going to be. Mr. Eco-Loving Green Champion Salsa Remix Gentleman, is nothing but a Fox News playboy that drinks too much and doesn’t even belong with your sign anyway. This is what I call the Facebook Effect. It is mostly easily had with Facebook, but can also happened with other social networks, long winded emails, or just spilling way too many beans on the first months of dating. You know my mantra…SLOW DOWN. Too much information is a wicked sword that cuts many ways. It does not allow for DISCOVERY in the moment and one the date. IT takes away from the ease of getting to know someone and for the wonderful organic growth of a relationship. I am not a stickler for rules, but there are a couple things I don’t budge on when coaching clients toward substantial relationships: no sex till you get the commitment and no facebook. It utterly wrecks the discovery process of dating, and, like most things on the internet, can be filled with so many mistruths. Maybe Antonio went to a family reunion in Tahoe and since he is a good looking chap, all of his cousins and family members are quite easy on the eyes. Maybe he loves Lou Dobbs but is very open to listening to the left. And as for the Scorpio thing…throw it away. I literally had a gal freak out one time because she went to my FB page and saw that I was a Gemini. For every supposed “mismatch” that astrology states, there is another “match” to prove it wrong.

So don’t let Facebook hijack your dating process. Put that digital connection on ice, to allow for your personal connection to provide all the details you need to find out. Let your date’s words and actions to speak for themselves, not their status updates, pictures, or political interests.

Seize the date,

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Christian Anderson

Christian Anderson is the creator of Let's Talk Dating, a coaching program that helps men and women navigate through the 21st Century dating world. His Four Pillar system of Self Care, Attracting, Dating, and Committing helps identify the roadblocks we put up in our dating life and how to make shifts in perception, behavior, and action to foster a healthy relationship. He regularly speaks at seminars and retreats, hosts various workshops, and coaches one-on-one. He has made numerous appearances on various radio, web and TV shows and currently resides in Los Angeles. Contact Christian at, visit his site at, and follow him on twitter at!/letstalkdating.

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