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Ask AC Advice Column: HE CHEATED – NOW WHAT?

Dear AC,

My boyfriend is the strong and silent type, a man of few words.  We’ve been together since we met in college two years ago.  We had a happy relationship, but when he cheated on me, my eyes opened wide.   I’m not the kind of woman who thinks that if a man makes a mistake by straying it’s a deal breaker.  He cried when he apologized but thinks that an "I’m sorry" is sufficient.  It’s not!!! 

He won’t talk to me about it.  When I look back I realize he has had a track record of sweeping emotions under the carpet.  He accuses me of nagging and being petty.  He betrayed me, broke my heart, and he’s treating it the same way he has done with every other slight.  But not this time.  If we can’t talk about this, how can our relationship survive?  Should I get out of this relationship?  Am I being petty?


Dear Betrayed,

I won’t advise kicking him to the curb.  Your well-intentioned “got your back” girlfriends can handle that.      

I can say that you are ABSOLUTELY NOT being petty!  You have a right to feel hurt and angry, and it’s healthy to express your emotional pain.  My advice to you is to be honest and vulnerable with him, let him know he has hurt you, as often as you feel you need to in order to ensure he understands the depth of the emotional hurt inflicted.  His inability to cope with your pain wants you silenced, and I say to that is too bad, get over it, grow up and be a man. 

These tips may help you:   

  • Mourn!  Mourn so you can heal.  Mourn for the death of the beautifully romantic perception you had for your relationship.  It’s gone and it is not coming back, at least not as it had been. 
  • Step back awhile, take some time away for yourself.  I mean real time away.  Not one of those, I won’t see him, but continue to text and talk on the phone.  Step back and stick to it.  (Don’t view this as punishing him.  This is for you to remember who you are separate and apart from your relationship, and rekindle a self-love and awareness.
  • Know, you did nothing wrong.   You are the person he said he loved and that was enough before he cheated on you, you are enough now.
  • Accept a sincere heartfelt apology.  Have some empathy for the emotional insecurity that lead him to cheat. 
  • Demand that through both words and deeds he proved he will not betray you again.
  • Remember it’s your choice to remain or to leave. 
  • Go to couples counseling.  Talk it out. Listen and talk some more.

Our culture teaches us that fidelity is one of the greatest expression of unity, trust and love a relationship has to offer, it’s sacred.  Infidelity diminishes what we know and expect from a loving relationship. 

Surviving his betrayal can make for a stronger more understanding relationship and prepare you as a couple to meet life’s tribulations together.  Though it may not be the same relationship as it was, with work, this may be the catalyst that makes it better.

Good luck!

Read 1463 times Last modified on Tuesday, 11 July 2017 06:13
Ask AC

Got a question?

AC is an East Coast transplant who became rooted in the SFV.  “Yup”, AC said “I found a place in North Hollywood years ago, and though I’ve traveled the world over this is the place I call home.  Well, also Massachusetts because that’s where I was born.  I think of  Hawaii as my second home, but I don’t own property there so maybe I can’t count that.  I was going to say Paris, at first cause I am very comfortable there, but then, you know I’m American and I don’t want to be too pompous.  So, yeah, I guess the San Fernando Valley is home.”

A street scholar, majoring in hard knocks and common sense, AC, attended night school receiving a high school diploma.  With a thirst for knowledge, AC continued education included many, many on line courses and seminars from selling beets at your local farmers market and how to shuck clams to Introduction to wine.

AC has been offering advice to everyone, whether they ask for it or not.  At times AC’s advice has been met with animosity and physical threats.  None the less AC preservers.   “It’s my calling” says AC, who urges readers to send in their confounding queries; “If you want advice (in the words of the 45th President), ‘what do you have to lose’, Ask AC?”

What makes AC’s columns unique is that it feels like you are getting advice from a friend, a person you can rely on for lively, no-nonsense feedback.  Ask AC is the best advice columnist by a Los Angeles mile."

AC resides in North Hollywood has two children, is an animal lover and has an active social life.  An adventure sport enthusiast, writer, performer, corporate baby, and community volunteer.  AC devotes time to family, community and in the service of others.  

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